To The Man I’ve Loved A Lifetime

You know who you are.
You left me, and the universe took your place while you were gone.
The stars stayed bright so I wouldn’t lose hope.
The sun kept shining, so that I could keep smiling.
The moon kept me company, on lonely nights.
The earth spoke to me, when you weren’t there to speak back.
The walls closed in on me, and trapped me in a prison, that I’m still sitting in.
You never loved me, even though you pretended you did.
But I’ll always love you, because you’ve always been inside my head.
Cause what you thought was innocent fun, was actually my fate.
To fall in love with the soul I’ve searched my life for, to find “my one”
But as fate has it, we weren’t meant to be. Every force on earth fighting our destiny.
And in my prison is where we’ll always be. A prison of love, and on the walls are pictures of you and me. And to love another man, is not a choice. Because loving you was never that. Falling in love with you, was magic in the making. Falling in love with you was my evolution. It was a neccssary step to make a missing part of me, come a live. To hear a message from the god’s to take with me into eternity. To live the rest of my lonely days broken hearted with you on the pallet of my toung always wanting to say your name but knowing you will never hear it. Cause you’ll be busy making your own family. You’ll be busy loving others, and never loving me. And why you don’t love me back, I’ll never understand. What was it I was missing? What was it that kept you from pursing me? What stopped you from writing? What stopped you from calling? What stopped you from being my friend? Cause most certainly you could see, my submission was not voluntary. My devotion was predestined, my service to fall at your feet. For in you, I saw me. But in me, you did not see. You stayed planted, 2 feet on the earth. While your soul gave me wings, to leave. I watched you from above, wondering, dreaming. Living without you and the memories of what we should be. My love, my heart, the one who makes my heart beat at a inconsistent rhythm that can’t be measured by tools, but only seen inside my being. The man who doesn’t love me. The man who doesn’t see me. The man who’ll never love me. Because to him, I am nothing….

And for infinity, I remain here. Continuing to dream. You are and always will be my something. For without you and before you I had no meaning. I was not seen. And now I feel the walls closing in on me. And it’s okay, because as long as you are there inside me, I can dream. But wishing my dreams could one day be reality, is a story that fell between my fingers and out of my grasp and nothing I do can bring you back. Nothing I do can ever make you see, that I was meant for you and you were meant for me. That I would have been anything that you wanted me to be. I would have prayed to be the perfect being. So that you might love me. So that we might be. So that I could live on earth in my dreams. So that I could stop worrying. So that I could be the one who makes you happy. So that I could be the one you picks you up when you fall down. So that I could be the one you couldn’t live without. So that maybe you would call me your soulmate. But in investigating brought me facts I didn’t want to see. That you had already had a friend, a love, a something that I never had. You have already had those things. And it enraged me. It made me feel stupid. I was the lesser being. I was the nothing. The nightmares I had of you, were all reality. And nothing I could do, would make you come to me. And what do you live for, my love? What purpose do you bring? What mission have you not yet complete here on earth? What is that YOU dream? As you might know, my dreams are still of you. My thoughts are still of you. The foods I taste I think of you and ask you, do you like it? The water in which I bath, I ask you, is that too hot or cold? What is it that you need? what is it that you seek? Why is my fucked up brain always on channel “you + me”? when is my expatriation date and on my death bed is it you I will see? is it the future in which we might finally be able to “be”? And in that future, will you love me? Will you be everthing to me? Will my life be perfect because you are there to hold my hand and play with my hair. Will my heart explode? Will I never stray because with you I am whole? Will I boast of my best friend? My husband? Will I show the world my king? Will I paint pictures of him and will I still be obsessed with him? And will I always find him the most attractive man I’ve seen. And when we make love, will I float upon the planes of extrateresttrial beams of light and sounds we’ve never seen. Never seen because magic takes 2 beings. Your stardust and mine, creating a chemical reaction which invents new beings in a place that we call planet C. That’s right. the planet I have tattooed on my arm. A celestial place with many moons and islands and filled with dreams that were created by children. Because there is where we were born. It’s the place where you and I were one. Where we were 2 penguins, forever inseparable. Bound to one another. You were bound to me. And in this world, I don’t even want to see. Cause in this world, you aren’t with me. In this world you are a human being. You succumbed to all the human things. That really don’t interest me. You put the world and everything, before me. And I’ll always wonder why. When will he wake up? When will he see?
Will I melt if I ever get to hear him call me baby?
Maybe.
Just maybe… in another lifetime, you are meant for me. A life where I love you, and you finally love me.